BUT YOU NEVER WILL GO FAR IN A JAPANESE CAR
Some of you may have heard through the bush telegraph that Sheriff has got a new job. Yup, I’m temping out at Honda, but I can’t give out my work number as, along with compulsory white uniforms, safety boots and stock-rigid hours, they embargo personal phone calls. In fact they monitor them. So any newsletter feedback, question guesses etc., keep ‘em coming to my home contact details.
As for the uniform, well, as the great Bill Hicks once said, “don’t let the clothes fool you, it’s still fucking me!”
WHO DO YOU THINK THIS TOWN BELONGS TO?
After this weekend’s fixtures, Willy Shakey still top the table despite being held 1-1 by Short Straw Rovers. With Real Muppets and Fred also drawing, the real movers this week were reigning champions Mega Buck Bandits, MC Moneybags’ expensively assembled team gaining ground on the top 2 following a 5-2 defeat of Nil Satis. Elsewhere, the Groove Machine revival rolls on, with Rich’s team up into 6th following a 6-0 demolition of poor Prettier Than You. “Sweet revenge” quoth Rich, for his defeat at Rachel’s hands earlier this season.
At the bottom, Viola’s Pier edge closer to mid table security with a 3-1 win at Conan Doyle Walk, home of underachieving Boston Rock FC. York’s edge closer to PTY with a creditable 1-1 draw over in Chicago, whilst poor old Pacers remain beached at the bottom, no doubt ruing the absence of key striker Andrew Cole from the scoresheets at the moment.
TOTW winners were Aardvark Abacus, who dealt Claymore’s increasingly faltering bid for honours another body blow with their 5-1 win, with new boy Robbie Keane off the bench and amongst the goals at last. Well done to Ady, who is now £100,000 better off. That’ll be a couple of nights’ beer money then.
The December 2000 “Manager of the Month” was Fred West Landscape Gardening, with 6 wins out of 7, having started the month with a heavy defeat against Aardvark Abacus, by 4-1. £250,000 is winging its’ way to Chicago, and the local Garden Centre managers are already rubbing their hands together with glee…
THE REAL BATTLE’S JUST BEGUN
The Fantasy Footy FA Cup First Round proper is this weekend! The ties are as follows;
- Claymore Athletic FC vs Short Straw Rovers
- Donkey Derby County vs Nil Satis Nisi Optimum
- Fred West Landscape Gardening XI vs Prettier Than You
- Mega Buck Bandits vs 22 Legged Groove Machine
- Pacer's Pacesetters vs Trusted by Millions
- Real Muppets vs Init2winit
- Willy Shakey vs Aardvark Abacus
- You know your Boston Rock FC vs York's Returning Glory
Good luck to everybody, except York’s of course. I like my pot and I want to keep it!
IT’S YER MONEY I’M AFTER BABY – The Reaction
I must confess I was aiming to stir up a hornet’s nest of vitriol and debate by playing “Devil’s Advocate” in my players’ wages article last week. Instead, I got a couple of well considered, thought-provoking yet diametrically polarised replies, which I’ve decided to include in full, below. I pretty much agree with the broad sentiments of both, although having been to Fenway Park (home of Boston Red Sox), I’d be inclined to dispute Paul’s point of all US stadia being built for fan comfort/ easy parking. Seriously, though, I hope that the recent (Derby, Sunderland, Middlesborough) and imminent (Coventry, Southampton, Arsenal) new Premiership stadia take heed of Paul’s comments, and put fan comfort No.1 point on the agenda.
Paul Saleh (Nil Satis Nisi Optimum) writes; “As an Evertonian it hurts me to say but I believe the best player to come out of the Duncan Edwards mould is or will be Gerrard.
From a genuine football fan who regularly travels to Goodison, average ticket £25 (double it for London clubs nearly) sitting in stadiums that are over 100 years old, then we have to put it in perspective. OK I accept that the USA per capita spend on their sportsman would appear ridiculously high compared to our UK lot. However in the USA, stadia are built for fan comfort, easy access, parking facilities galore, plenty of toilets, restaurants on site, medical facilities and the price of their tickets in relation to ours are better value and cheaper. In the USA going to watch sport is a family event and the authorities make it so. Now going back to the UK, you park your car in a street (joke), you walk/escorted by the boys in blue from rail station to ground which is usually about 3 miles adrift. You do not get full vision when sitting on your cold/cramped seat. You have to queue on average 10 mins for your crusty pie and lukewarm coloured water.
So this is my point; whilst I do not begrudge our sportsmen the monies they earn, there has to be a quid pro quo, and the fans deserve to have a share in the increased revenues that football is generating at the moment. Ploughing the money into stadiums, discount ticketing and better facilities. I do not accept the argument that clubs earn more revenues from merchandising, marketing, stock markets etc. Over the century it is the fans who got football where it is today. So...........thetas it splice and dice the revenue cake more evenly, slim the “fat cats slice somewhat” and give the fans a bigger portion.
After all that I now have got writers cramp so I had better put my feet up....”
David Bevan (Mega Buck Bandits) writes; “I am a believer in the Free Market for goods and services which makes the economical world go round. Let supply and demand determine the price.
However, Football Clubs are prepared to pay more than they can actually afford based on gate receipts, sponsorship, etc because they are different to other Companies. Either they attract rich but foolish benefactors who are happy to throw away millions of pounds of their own money (Jack Walker, Steve Gibson) or they simply never pay their bills knowing that they probably won't be made bankrupt (Barcelona, Swindon).
To my mind it is obscene that say 20 or so Premiership players can earn more in a week of loafing about and posturing than most people earn in a year of soul - breaking toil. However, in reality it is their good luck that somebody is prepared to pay them this.”
Any more comments out there in reader-land? What do you lot think of Paul and Dave’s views? Drop me a line! Go on, you know you want to…
TRANSFER NEWS
Oops! Apologies first. It was reported last week that Gilles De Bilde rejoined Sheffield Wednesday from Real Muppets, when of course it was from Trusted By Millions. Ryan wanted to point out that he had nothing to do with the diminutive Belgian. Can’t say I blame him really.
A bit of activity, thanks to a smattering of new players into the Premiership this weekend.
Now, we’re trying something new this week, guys. Following a Committee suggestion to ensure everyone gets a fair crack of the whip as regards players dumped into the pool, rather than Clive, Claire and your humble editor having first dibbins, we’re trialling a “cooling off” period, for want of a better phrase, for players recently jettisoned by other teams. In practice, this means that the players asterisked below are in the pool, but cannot be picked out until after 8 p.m. on Monday 29 January, by which time everyone should know they’re there. Got it? Good. Right, here goes;
Player From To Fee
Wayne Quinn Sheffield United Init2winit £500,000
Richard Shaw * Init2winit Coventry City £250,000
Jesper Blomqvist * Pacer’s Pacesetters Manchester United £3,750,000
Dean Sturridge Derby County Aardvark Abacus £500,000
Javier Margas Short Straw Rovers Retired £0
Didier Domi Aardvark Abacus Paris St. Germain £3,000,000
Lee Carsley Coventry City Init2winit £500,000
Bernard Diomede * Init2winit Liverpool £1,650,000
Daniel Cordone * Init2winit Newcastle United £350,000
Juan Pablo Angel River Plate Init2winit £9,650,000
Karim Bagheri * 22 Legged Groove Machine Charlton Athletic £250,000
Christian Dailly Blackburn Rovers Init2winit £2,900,000
Roberto “Boom Boom”Mancini Lazio Prettier Than You £500,000
Stan Collymore * Prettier Than You Bradford City £250,000
Edu Corinthians Willy Shakey £7,000,000
Sebastian Schemmel Metz Claymore Athletic £500,000
Marcus Hall * Init2winit Coventry City £250,000
Joseph Desire Job * Claymore Athletic Middlesborough £2,400,000
Anyone who wants clarification of the new pool process, please get in touch with either myself or Clive. We’re trialling it for now, with a view to making it fair for everyone, but please let me know your views on what we’re doing, or any suggestions on how we can make it work better and/or make it fairer for everyone.
THE FF£75,000 QUESTION
As promised, this is one for the girlies. Or the lechers. That should pretty much cover everyone in the league then.
Who was the United States Footballer whose picture made tabloid newspapers across the globe, when, after scoring the winning penalty in the 1999 Women’s World Cup Final, she sank to her knees with her shirt held triumphantly overhead, revealing a rather fetching grey Nike sports bra?
One entry per person as usual please, to me on phone number 01793 495101 (home) or e-mail Swindonsheriff@aol.com, by close of play on Monday 29 January.
As most of you seemed to remember, Villa defender Chris Nicholl scored all 4 goals in that Leicester vs Villa 2-2 draw back in 1976. Yup, 2 own goals and two at the right end. And Beef thinks he’s got problems with Jamie Carragher…
Told you it was a good ‘un! Anyway, correct answers came from Ryan, Ady, Prov, Clive, MC, Rachel, Claire and Paul. So congrats to Donkey Derby County who were drawn out of the hat by Master Evan Rose, and are £FF75,000 richer as a result. An instance of a small person giving you something back for a change, eh Prov dad, sorry lad?
SHORTS
Lookalike time again; how about Init2winit’ Andy Griffin and Steve “Alan Partridge” Coogan?… I think Prettier Than You’s Darius Vassell looks pretty incongruous in a footy strip. To me he’d look more at home in a white padded zoot suit, trenchcoat and floppy hat, cruising da mean streets in a sugar pink Cadillac looking out for “Mah bitches”… and talking of incongruous, has anybody seen QPR’s promising young striker Peter Crouch? He looks like a collection of coathangers clinging to a lamppost, with a blue and white hooped tarpaulin chucked haphazardly over it. My 1999/2000 “Rothmans” lists his height as 6 foot 2 inches. Yeah, and the other yard…
LEAGUE RESULTS 2000/01
W/E of 20 January 2001 - Week 22
Claymore Athletic FC
|
1
|
Vs
|
5
|
Aardvark Abacus
| |||
P Di Canio
|
Silvinho
M Babbel
N Solano (pen)
JF Hasslebaink
R Keane
| ||||||
Fred West Landscape Gardening XI
|
1
|
Vs
|
1
|
York's Returning Glory
| |||
D Wise
|
A O'Brien
| ||||||
Init2winit
|
1
|
Vs
|
1
|
Real Muppets
| |||
C Davidson
|
G Neville
| ||||||
Nil Satis Nisi Optimum
|
2
|
Vs
|
5
|
Mega Buck Bandits
| |||
S Howey
S Gemmill
|
P Jones
P Neville
S Henchoz
T Sheringham
P Atherton
| ||||||
Pacer's Pacesetters
|
0
|
Vs
|
1
|
Elland Road Big Boys
| |||
S Vickers
| |||||||
Prettier Than You
|
0
|
Vs
|
6
|
22 Legged Groove Machine
| |||
E Thome
M Melchiot
M Gray
G Poyet (2)
C Acuna
| |||||||
Trusted by Millions
|
2
|
Vs
|
0
|
Donkey Derby County
| |||
M Schwarzer
J Carragher
| |||||||
Willy Shakey
|
1
|
Vs
|
1
|
Short Straw Rovers
| |||
M Elliott
|
M Stewart
| ||||||
You know your Boston Rock FC
|
1
|
Vs
|
3
|
Viola's Pier
| |||
S Amoebi
|
W Bridge
N Winterburn
D Powell
| ||||||
Team of the Week: Aardvark Abacus
WSFFL League Table
As at 15 January 2001
Team P W D L F A Diff Pts
1 Willy Shakey 22 15 2 5 44 25 19 47
2 Real Muppets 22 14 4 4 47 32 15 46
3 Mega Buck Bandits 22 13 5 4 49 30 19 44
4 Fred West Landscape 22 13 1 8 37 31 6 40
Gardening XI
5 Trusted by Millions 22 13 0 9 48 43 5 39
6 22 Legged Groove Machine 22 12 1 9 60 36 24 37
7 Claymore Athletic FC 22 11 3 8 45 38 7 36
8 Nil Satis Nisi Optimum 22 10 5 7 37 24 13 35
9 Elland Road Big Boys 22 11 2 9 35 26 9 35
10 Init2winit 22 11 2 9 40 41 -1 35
11 Aardvark Abacus 22 9 4 9 47 36 11 31
12 Short Straw Rovers 22 9 3 10 38 33 5 30
13 You Know Your Boston 22 9 2 11 33 44 -11 29
Rock FC
14 Donkey Derby County 22 8 3 11 20 33 -13 27
15 Viola's Pier 22 8 1 13 30 36 -6 25
16 Prettier Than You 22 5 2 15 24 57 -33 17
17 York's Returning Glory 22 3 4 15 16 47 -31 13
18 Pacer's Pacesetters 22 2 0 20 17 55 -38 6
Totals 396 176 44 176 667 667 0 572
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